A long time ago someone asked me what I liked in a girl, both ascetically and personality wise. The physical characteristics I seemed to find most alluring were interesting. I like fancy short cut hair-dos. I like a slender face. I like blue eyes. I like a turned up nose. I like a slight pronunciation of the front teeth. I like pouty lips and perky tits, and a round ass. I liked those things specifically, and all at once, all those things I saw on a single perfect human being.
I was cleaning dishes, as is part of the job as cook, and I saw this pretty girl with fancy hair. I thought she had great hair and from what I could tell a nice body. She turned and I saw her. It was the first and perhaps only time I have ever stared at someone.
The personality of someone I like is a little more difficult to explain, as is such things. I like someone smart, not just smart in general, but someone logical, someone who can learn and grasp complex subjects. I like someone who is tough, tough enough to argue with me when I am wrong, tough enough to stand their ground and speak their mind. I like someone who is honest, honest about their life, and honest with themselves. I like someone who is mischievous, someone willing to get into a little bit of trouble, someone daring enough to make things interesting on their own initiative. I like someone good. Someone who is loyal, and morally strong, someone who believes one's word still means something, someone who treats other with the respect they deserve.
As I got to know the princess, I saw that she was all these things. I learned a lot about myself, and about what I wanted in life. I gained validation knowing that all those things I listed above could be contained within a single girl and that I could love. I could love.
I have spent the last four years fawning over my favourite girl in the whole world. Whenever someone who knows is broached with the subject of Colin Kelly and his princess, they often point out how one-sided and terrible our relationship is, because we do not have one. Some see inspiration and feel admiration for me for my exemplarily work in wooing the princess, as it has become very much like a real life romantic comedy, her being a beautiful princess and me a hopeless romantic. Still I have slept alone in a cold bed every night for the past five years.
You see my favourite girl in the whole world has one crippling character flaw, one thing that prevents us from being together; my favourite girl in the whole world does not love me.
Sometimes I worry. It hurts me to know that these arms of mine that would keep her safe and hold her dear are wasted while another, an ingrate perhaps, may takes advantage of a girl so sweet.
Sometimes I feel stupid for loving the princess so. The inequality of our relationship is so off balance that I am the victim of my own reproach.
Sometimes I feel stupid for not moving on... but then I recall... I am unable to find anywhere to move on too for my favourite girl in the whole world has set a standard so high that I cannot find comfort, joy, or even interest with the women I meet. I have met my dream girl and there is no going back.
The princess was not alone in scorning me, her entire gender has spoken, and the word is not good. I am not so arrogant to argue with a unanimous vote, and the female gender has been united for as long as I can remember that I, Colin Kelly, was considered best to be ignored and forgotten. My favourite girl in the whole world is no exception.
I see things... I see things so differently than others... because I am on the outside looking within. I have a bird's eye view of others in their relationships, and I see their interactions and their compassions without bias. I spend long hours thinking about why I think so much and contemplating the motives and desires of all people, myself included. And I see things... sad things... but beautiful things too... I see flowers growing out of mud, and I see hardships hardening people, I see strength stem from suffering. I see lust turn to love, and I see cowardice disguised as romance. I see women constantly mistake kindness for weakness and cruelty for strength. I see people judge themselves for the relationships they do not have, or need.
And all these thoughts that spur my imagination to far away fantasies, come to a halt and I contemplate the single issue before me... no one loves me... and the odds of that changing are not promising.... and strangely I feel brave. I look upon my misery and I both smirk and cringe, because I know that I can take it. I almost laugh as my troubles and I say to myself a mantra, "happiness is for wimps." I am Colin Fucking Kelly, I am the King of Braves. I can make a good life with or without the princess, or anyone for that matter.
When I look in the mirror I see many things. I see a man haggard from an unfair and lonely life... but I also see a man with the endurance to live through it all over again a thousand times if need be. I think of the man I wanted to be when I was young, and I see that man looking back at me in the mirror now, lonely and hurt, but strong and noble. I see myself in the mirror and I see a man complete within himself, in need of nothing, in need of no one, and I am proud to be, me. All that pain and all that unhappiness, that is only the past and nothing more.
I love the princess, but she will never love me. I do not call her. I do not see her. I just hope she is happy... it is all I can do... it is all she will let me do. These feelings in my heart... wasted though they are... is love, real love, true love, the kind of love people should be looking for, and it pleases me, it pleases me to know I can feel this way. It is hard to stay mad when there are so many other things to enjoy in this endless odyssey we call life. I am a man of many things; having failed in this does not make me a failure elsewhere.
I see her in dreams, my favourite girl in the whole world, and she makes me calm. Her blue eyes cool my angry spirit, her smile makes me smile, and her company gives me something to look forward too. She speaks to me in words that suit her as if the dream were real, and she says the same encouraging and wonderful things she has said to me in real life. Even in dreams she is just beyond my touch, but I see her there as the friend she sometimes was to me and the symbol she always was to me. She gives me strength, and reminds me just how much I can do when motivated, and she motivates me. Suddenly the cold courage I feel when faced with my own inner demons becomes god like when I bask in her light. I walk invincible through life knowing what few do, I know what love is, and I know what it means to stand strong for something you believe in, and I believe in the princess... and I believe in myself... and I believe the princess believes in me... and that so much to hold dear to I do not know how I hold it all in.
One day, when this age of loneliness has finally come to an end, I will find her, or another like her, and I will love her again... and she will love me... it is a dream I have.
