You Must Fight

“My father said to me, ‘Lyoto, you have warrior’s blood. You must fight.’” – Lyoto Machida

When you sleep your brain releases a chemical that paralyzes your body, this is why you don’t move in your sleep, this is what prevents you from sleep walking. The name of this chemical eludes me, but I know this is the case.

Night terrors are often caused when you become half awake, as in you become aware but the chemicals released by your brain have kept your body paralyzed. These are often terrifying ordeals since you are still partial asleep and dreaming but cannot move.

I do not have any memories of night terrors, not exactly anyway, but I have a lot of experience with sleep paralysis.

Frequently, recently, I have not been sleeping well. I am worrying about school and work, and other things, but since sleep and dreaming is all your thoughts swarming over one another, when you are troubled your thoughts become very hard to handle. So while I’m thinking up solutions to international economic quiz questions and trying to think of some way to find work that will actual pay the rent while I finish school, and some other things maybe I’ll talk about some other day, I grow very restless. I am not accomplishing anything lying in bed worrying about things, I need to get up and solve my problems. The workaholic in me, demands I forgo sleep and get back to work, but the exact words I start yelling at myself is, “Colin you must fight!”

When I realize I’m only dreaming, I start getting upset, feeling this is a waste of time, and when I can’t move, because of sleep paralysis, I begin to get really agitated. I try to twist, and move, and open my eyes, but I can’t, and I struggle for... god knows how long, until my fingers begin to twitch, and then slowly my hands can form fists and reach out, then my legs began to twitch and then usually my eyes open and I’m awake. The whole time my mind screams at me to fight.

I find myself amusing. I’m not yelling at myself to wake up, or get back to work, I tell myself to fight. I look at the problems in my life before me and my subconscious has only one solution, combat. Perhaps it says something about my testosterone levels in that I want to solve all my problems with violence. Maybe it says something about my superhero complex and I want to rush into battle and fight the good fight. Maybe, and I think this is it, I feel that life is constant battle.

My favourite girl in the whole world once said to me, “Colin why is everything a fight with you?” Like most insults throw my way it did not have the intended effect.

I replied with, “of course it is. Life is an endless series of battles, you must fight.”

I think I intimidate a lot of women.

But it’s true you know, life is a forever ongoing series of fights, and there is choice, you must fight.

Just a few days ago, it was happening again. I kept awaking in locations that I was familiar with and yet had no reason to be in, and gradually these dreams within dreams began to make sense to me, I was dreaming, and none of these was real. I began fighting the dream trying to wake up, violently forcing myself to move, my fingers began to twitch and for a moment I thought my eyes opened and I was looking across my bed out my window and tall demonic figure was standing on my thirty-second floor balcony looking into my bed room. My hands began to clench and I began to thrash and yelling at the figure, “Fuck you, you are not real!” I repeated this exclamation a few times and even my eyes shut tight I continued to see blurry visions of my bedroom, my legs began to twitch and my arms began to move, slowly and awkwardly, and then like before my mantra came to me, “Colin you must fight!”

In the next moment my eyes opened and I found myself perched up in my bed on one arm, my other clenched in a fist and at the ready to strike, and I was pleased with myself. I was able to fight off a dream and force myself awake very quickly while suffering sleep paralysis. I was pleased when I looked at the clock and saw it was one-thirty am, I had only been asleep for a maximum of an hour, and in that time I could awake on sheer will power. How Green Lantern of me.

Psychologically this fighting perspective of mine works twofold. First it seems unhealthy to consider everything in life a enemy that needs to be conquered, but conversely it is very healthy to march forward unafraid of the obstacles in your life thinking of them as just another fight in the never ending battle that is life.

I find it interesting anyway.